Many parents think that their kids are manipulative or disrespectful, because they have tantrums or meltdowns. The truth is that all young children have tantrums. However, the way that parents deal with tantrums can be critical for raising emotionally healthy kids.
In fact parents should be happy about their children’s tantrums, as it means that they go through a normal stage of development. This happens though, because children don’t have the skills yet to handle their big emotions. So they need understanding, support and guidance.
Tantrums can happen anywhere and anytime of the day. However, we all know that there is more pressure, when it happens publicly or when parents are tired, busy, sick or stressed. This guide will help you to learn how to diffuse tantrums quickly and safely and develop a bonding!
This is a complete guide to tantrums for parents, who want to know how to recognise a tantrum. You will read here the steps you need to follow to deal with tantrums either they happen at home or publicly. Also, there are tips on how to prevent future tantrums and a few important notes to consider!!
What are tantrums
Some people use the terms tantrums and meltdowns interchangeably. However, Dr Daniel Siegel, the co-author of The Whole-Brain Child explains the two types of tantrums and how parents need to react.
When children go through an upstairs (manupulative) tantrum, they make coscious decisions to act out and stop, when they get their way. These tantrums come from the logical thinking, regulating emotions and evaluating consequences part of the brain. In this case, parents should not react and they should remove themselves from the situation – as long as it is safe to do so- without eye contact, talking down or negotiation.
The second type of tantrum is the downstairs (meltdowns) tantrum are controlled by the part of the brain that is responsible for tasks like breathing, blinking and instictual reactions. During this type of tantrum, children can not use any form of logic and they go through a meltdown. During this tantrum, parents need to help their kids to calm their big emotions and overwhelming feelings.
The frequency and the duration of the tantrums differ based on the situation and how the adults in the environment react and deal with them. Tantrums are more common around the ages of 13 months to 24 months old, however they can happen until your child is 60 months.
We will refer to the second type of tantrum in this article.
Causes and reasons
As toddlers and young kids grow and explore the world around them, they can get overwhelmed and occasionally they express anger, frustration and other feelings through tantrums. The cause could be something very minor such as demanding the favourite fork. But, the reason could be language limitations, tiredness, hunger, sickness or something different to their normal routine. Last but not least, new situations, new events, new faces around our kids can cause overwhelming feelings and tantrums. Tantrums are common to young children as their brains have not been fully developed yet and their emotions override their logic. As a result, children do not have the tools to self-regulate and calm themselves down.
Symptoms
During tantrums, your children may cry, scream, stomp their feet, kick, lie on the floor, bang their heads, hit someone or be rough with something. In general, they look like they are out of control emotionally and physically. Sometimes this means that it is hard for them to listen, concentrate and cooperate, but it isn’t impossible.
Young kids don’t have the skills yet to handle their emotions and that means they need adults’ understanding and guidance in getting through them quickly and safely. Tantrums are a sign that parents need to pay more attention to their little ones, as they might feel sensitive, overwhelmed, stressed or other big feelings.
Therefore, parents’ role is to:
- consider, plan and act beforehand so they can prevent tantrums.
- step in and react accordingly during a tantrum in order to help children go through a tantrum quickly and safely.
How to get through tantrums quickly and safely
- First, take a deep breath. Sometimes it can be hard to stay calm, but remind yourself that tantrums don’t last long and kids model after you. When you are calm, they become calmer too.
- Consider everyone’s safety – including the child, yourself and other little children around-. Kids look like they are out of control during a tantrum, so you need to move objects away that can harm someone or move your child calmly to a safe spot for example away from traffic and stairs.
- Sit near your child during the tantrum. It is important for the parents to be at the child’s level as that could help children to feel safer and calm down sooner getting your full attention.
- Talk to bare minimum and resist trying to reason with them. Validate your child’s feeling first and then set boundaries with emotional support. For example: “You look upset, but you can not have ice-cream today”. No need to say it’s not healthy, it contains too much sugar, it’s not good for your teeth. You can add “I know you really want to have ice-cream now, but we can’t have more ice-cream today. I know it’s frustrating for you, but we can have ice-cream again next week”. You can finish with a positive note offering one or two other options like “Now we can have your favourite fruit”. I know that it’s hard to see your children upset, but avoid fixing (it’s ok), diminishing (you’re fine), threatening and punishing (if you don’t stop crying…).
- In case your child hits you or someone else during a tantrum, your first instinct is to respond aggressively. It’s better to prepare your response in a calm moment, because as you might know already, it’s nearly impossible to say the right thing in the heat of the moment. Science agrees that preparing your brain can help to respond better in real life. If your child hits you, stay as calm as possible and say something like “it’s ok to feel mad, but hitting is not okay. I’m going to hold your arms down to keep you and me safe”.
- Model empathy and calm, but don’t change the boundaries that you set earlier.
- When you can see your child getting calmer again and changing the subject of the conversation, move on like nothing happened and have fun together. Spend time together to reconnect.
Public tantrums
If tantrums are hard in general, public tantrums can be more stressful for everyone and harder to deal with.
-Tune people out and focus on your child, who needs you more than anyone else.
-Move to a different area, preferably a private spot. It could a corner in a shop, toilets or a quiet bench.
-If the tantrum lasts for too long, you might need to leave.
-If you don’t have the option to move away or leave (e.g. waiting in a long queue, flying on a plane), you just do the best you can. This could mean that you might need to compromise and do something that you wouldn’t do, if the tantrum would happen at home.
Important notes
- Pick your battles! Consider beforehand -if possible- actions that you can not ignore. For example, hitting others, snatching toys or dropping products from shop shelves are actions that you can not ignore for your child’s and others’ safety. Therefore, when it happens that means you are ready to act accordingly. Consistency is the key to success.
- Tantrums are not teachable moments. According to the popular saying ‘Connection, then correction’, after a tantrum give time to reconnect with your child and have fun. Discuss what you want related to a tantrum later on during the day. You might tell a story of what happened or discuss the feelings. As Dr. Dan Siegel says “name it to tame it”. Describing feelings and talking about them can help children to recognise and process emotions and calm down.
- Ignoring “downstairs tantrums (meltdowns)” is not a way to deal with them. Ignoring some behaviours at the beginning of a tantrum could help to move on. However, when a tantrum happens, kids need love and support to get through them. Describe their feelings, empathise and be present during this hard time for them.
How to prevent future tantrums
Strategy #1: Routine is important for children since they are babies as consistency makes them feel safe and calm. When kids know what to expect during a certain routine, this can prevent tantrums based on neuroscience. A visual presentation of your child’s routine might be extra helpful for your little one.
Strategy #2: Transitions between activities can play a really important role in preventing or causing a tantrum. For smoother transitions you need to:
- Prepare kids not only about facts, but also about possible feelings. “After lunch we are going to the doctor. You might feel scared. This is what the doctor will ask you to do…”
- Be clear and specific. For instance, the word “soon” doesn’t mean much about your kid. Use a song or a timer instead to let your children know, when it will be time to do something.
- Give warnings/reminders, for example 5, 2 or 1 minute before the transition takes place. “In 2 minutes, when the times goes off, it will be time for us to leave the playground”.
- Avoid close-ended questions, when children don’t have an option. For instance, “Is it time to have lunch?” or “Is it ok to pack up?” Instead you can make a clear statement “it is time to wash our hands now”.
Strategy #3: Recognising emotions and learning about big feelings is critical for young and older children. Read books and talk about your own feelings. Also, use language that kids can relate to and translate feelings into words. For example, ask them to give their feeling (e.g. scared) a number from 1 to 10. Or you can compare a feeling with an animal and the sound it makes, for example, “do you feel like a roaring lion?”
Strategy #4: Parents can practise calming techniques with their kids such as quick break for deep breaths, counting up to 10, singing or drawing.
Strategy #5: Consider your verbal language, body language and tone of voice in your interactions with your little ones as negativity affects children. Tantrums are more common, when parents are stressed, anxious or loud, for example.
Strategy #6: Preparation and thinking ahead is key before leaving the house. Consider anything that can trigger a tantrum before you leave the house and pack all the neccessary things you need. Packing your kid’s favourite snacks for distraction and in case of hunger is always a good idea. Personally, I always have in my bag small sensory toys, favourite keychains and small toys like cars. Two other ideas is, for example, to think of the route you will follow in order to avoid the ice-cream shop or the tasks you will give to your little one during grocery shopping. Or just recharge your phone or your Ipad just in case…
Strategy #7: Talk to young kids with honesty and prepare them about concepts, even if they are preverbal. They still get familiar to concepts and you build strong foundation from the start in regards to honesty. When kids trust you, they will also be honest with you. In this way tantrums will be minimised and children will know that you will be there for them to get through their big feelings.
Strategy #8: Last, but not least, positive attention and connection, while kids don’t have tantrums, can play a critical role. It is nearly impossible for your kids to have a tantrum, while they have your full attention and you have fun together. Besides, you will avoid any tantrums due to lack of attention and connection.
Last thoughts:
! Align expectations with reality. Be prepared for good and challenging moments.
! Let kids feel all the feelings and encourage them to be honest with us. It will eventually help them to recover more quickly and build lifelong emotional skills and self-worth.
! The goal of getting out of a tantrum is connection and not correction. Tantrum is a bonding opportunity!
In this post you read what tantrums are and all the steps that parents need to follow in order to handle tantrums effectively quickly and safely. Moreover, tips were shared on how to prevent future tantrums.
Tantrums are challenging, but learning how to deal with them can build your child’s emotional skills and self-worth.
You’ve got this!
