People argue over the nature vs nurture debate either they raise boys or girls.
In the 21st century research has shown that there are sex differences as a result of a complex mix of biological and sociocultural influences. Statistics about boys and men are shocking nowadays. For raising healthy boys it is important to accept that boys are different than girls and set up an environment for our boys to thrive.
As a daughter I would never accept that my parents had to raise my brother differently. However, as a mother of a boy and a teacher, I have a different opinion now as I have done my research on the topic.
This post is all about parenting boys nowadays that will grow into happy and balanced men.
Many parents find raising boys challenging.
They say that boys are highly active, risky, noisy, poor communicators and slow learners. However, they are also fun, creative and they can share their energy and joy with others.
In this post I describe the patterns of an average boy. Nevertheless, there is wide variation among males and overlaps between the sexes. Based on research, the general pattern holds true for the majority of the children though.
Understanding boys’ hormones and their impacts can make parents more helpful and sympathetic. Boys’ testosterones levels fluctuate from their birth. Testosterone is not only a growth hormone, but it also affects boys’ energy and mood. When there is an increase in testosterone levels, changes can be triggered. For instance, boys can get more active at 4, they have rapid growth and disorientation at 13 and they test limits at 14. Moreover, environment can influence this hormone, as research has shown that being in a supportive environment can cause drop in testosterone levels. All children have leadership potential, however boys with lots of testosterone need extra support in developing leadership qualities and channel their energy in good ways.
Our boys need our attention based on their needs and the challenges they face in the current societies.
Boys test their manhood, as they grow, they overestimate their abilities and like taking risks. Statistics about boys are shocking nowadays. Boys are three times more likely to die before their 21st birthday usually from accidents, suicide or violence. It is also five times more likely for boys to have problems at school.
Stress and other uncomfortable feelings can make boys isolate. Research has shown that depression, suicidality and loneliness are more common among men later in their lives.
Parents need to show understanding, love and warmth to boys in order to give them the opportunity to be successful and balanced. They need warm and firm relationships with mothers and engaged fathers and other males in their lives that are are good role models.
I should include here educators, who should teach boys in “boy-friendly ways” as Steve Biddulph says. As a teacher, I have been challenged multiple times, when I have had many boys in the same Kindergarten group. The dynamics can be different, but we should adjust the activities accordingly.
Thankfully many parents work on overcoming stereotypes of past generations. In times of tension most of us are about to say phrases that our grandparents or parents used to say. It is challenging, but also great, when consciously we think twice before we say things to our boys like “boys don’t cry”, “boys don’t play with dolls” or discourage showing ‘soft’ emotions.
Stages of boys development
Many changes happen in boys on the inside and outside as they grow. Steve Biddulph refers to three stages of boys development in his book in order to prepare parents on what to expect. It is highlighted that it is not a sudden or shard shift from one stage to another, but a shift of emphasis instead. BOTH parents matter at all stages.
The ‘learning to love’ stage (birth to 6 years old):
Boys need strong love and security during these gentle years. Fathers and male role models play an important role, however mothers’ role is crucial.
The ‘fathers count most’ stage (6 to 14 years old):
Boys look more and more for interactions with fathers and other male role models. Mothers remain involved of course, however boys learn how to be male at this stage. The aim of these years is to build competence and skill and at the same time develop kindness and playfulness. This is the age that a boy can become a balanced person as well as happy and secure about being male.
The ‘mentors’ stage (14 to 18 years old):
It is the end of the journey for the boys and they become fully grown ups by the end of this stage. The boys need mentors and adults, who care, in their lives in addition to their parents. The parents need to ensure that there are good mentors around their sons such as uncles, grandfathers or coaches. In this way they will not rely only on friends for the development of their sense of self. The aim is for the boys to learn skills, responsibilities and self-respect.
I know that single parents are more concerned about raising children well. Steve Biddulph suggests that single mothers need to search carefully for good male role models for their boys in their community. Also, single dads need to be more prepared to be more nurturing so they can be a safe anchor for their sons.
Do you wonder when is the right time for children to join early childhood education?
Personally, I had never thought that there could be a difference among boys and girls on this matter. Doing my research though, I was surprised to read that it is recommended for boys to stay home with one of the parents or a close relative until they turn 3. The reason is that boys are more prone to separation anxiety based on research. Boys can become emotionally shut down if they feel abandoned. Moreover, they might become restless and aggressive trying to cope with their anxiety.
I need to add here that while I’m writing this post, my son, who is younger than 3, is in childcare. I need to highlight that research refers to the majority of the boys. We know that every boy is different and as parents of our boys, we know what is better for them. Nevertheless, it is good for parents to know the research findings in case they have the option to keep their boys at home with a loving relative or special adult until the age of 3.
-> Here are tips for parents of boys, who want to support them to thrive.
Challenge stereotypes
Engaging boys in various household chores and meal preparation is a great opportunity for them to feel useful members of the family. Also, looking after younger siblings, cousins or friends can prepare boys to become good dads, while avoiding gender stereotype roles.
Communication and discipline
You need to make eye contact and speak to the boys, when the “lights go on” in their eyes. Also, be clear and keep verbal instructions short. In terms of discipline, giving clear and consistent discipline to boys is critical as well as following through with consequences. Boys feel more secure, when there is structure and order.
Physical development
Boys need have active and physical time outdoors. Many parents nowadays arrange their sons to join a club or a sporting activity quite early. If you haven’t done so yet, it is recommended for boys to participate in sports and group activities around 7 or 8 years old. Also, it is good for parents to be aware of the video games that the boys play. I’m sure they will be excited to see you willing to learn about these games and -why not?- join them! In some cases, limiting screen time and exposure to aggressive role models through their games is very important.
Social and emotional development
Emotional development is paramount. Encouraging emotions and self-expression is extremely important. As parents we need to support boys in recognising, naming and managing emotions. We also need to give the time and space for our boys to express themselves.
Supporting boys in communicating effectively with others is also crucial for their social development. Learning to communicate can start early. Specifically, parents can talk babies and toddlers up, explain things to children with every chance and read to boys from an early age. Parents need to encourage and model “reflective listening” and teach boys to carry on a balanced conversation. For instance, it is a great opportunity for this to happen, while you are eating meals together.
Exposure to mentors and leaders
Boys are mostly exposed to successful athletes or singers. However, they need to be exposed to a variety of mentors and leaders. Our boys will learn different ways of being successful through learning about various artists, writers and alternative leaders depending on their interests. Our goal is to encourage the development of a sense of identity, which is not based on stereotype males. Parents, who support boys in developing leadership qualities, they also equip them with life long skills that will hep them to deal with daily challenges.
The inspiration for this article was a parent resource by Early Life Foundations about parenting boys. Moreover, I found very helpful and inspiring the book ‘Raising boys’ by Steve Biddulph. This book was an instant bestseller and it has sold over a million copies world wide. It includes guide for single parents and fathering essentials. His new book is ‘Raising boys with twenty-first century’.
This post was all about parenting boys in the 21st century.
This society needs now more than ever sensitive, expressive, respectful, active and good males and role models for the next generations.
Our boys will face various challenges in the near and far future.
The best we can do for them is to prepare them in order to be happy, safe, healthy, and well-balanced.
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