When you become a parent and you realise that everything we say to our children can have a great impact on them,
you start considering every word you say to your child.
If you want to be a conscious parent, self-reflection and mindfulness is required daily.
Keep reading if you want to read all the things you should never say to your child
and yet you haven’t even thought of these words before as damaging!
In this post we won’t talk about hurtful and damaging things that are quite obvious for parents with common sense. No children deserve to listen to their parents saying phrases like “I hate you”, “Your sister/brother is much better”, “I wish you were never born” again. And you can easily guess the reasons you should avoid these phrases.
Below we will discuss simple phrases that some of our parents used to say to us and we and other parents and carers often use these days. It’s hard for some parents to believe that these phrases are damaging -to different levels- for your children.
So let’s get started…
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“Sharing is caring”
Sharing is caring is a very common phrase that many parents and educators use. However… no, children do NOT need to share all the time in order to care for others. Let’s be realistic! How would you feel if someone would interrupt you, while you talk on the phone because “sharing is caring”? The concept of sharing is ultimately flawed and unclear to young children. The idea of turn-taking however helps children develop skills such as patience, consideration and fairness.
Instead say… “how long you want to use this for?” or “how about you give your friend a turn in 5 minutes/rounds/etc ?”
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“Stranger danger”
This used to be a common phrase for many generations as parents were trying to keep their children safe. Not all strangers are dangerous and there are times that children need to talk to strangers. In fact statistics have shown that nowadays the majority of abusers are people that are known or familiar to children. Therefore, it is important to discuss further the rules around strangers with your child. For example, we don’t get in a car with strangers or we don’t share important information with strangers.
Instead … discuss inappropriate behaviors, uncomfortable and dangerous situations and prepare them on how they should act. Read more here on how to protect kids from abuse.
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Praise like “Good job”, “I’m proud of you”, “You’re the best”
Don’t react quickly when your child does something that surprises you. Praise your children in an appropriate way and only when it is actually remarkable. After all, you want your children to be intrinsically motivated. They shouldn’t do things all the time to satisfy others or expect someone else’s praise for whatever they do.
Instead say… “You should be proud of yourself!”
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“Be careful”
It is a very common and confusing advice and there are actually educators, parents and grandparents that constantly say it! This phrase might increase children’s anxiety, lower their self-confidence and instill fear. Be more specific or ask a question that will make your child think and act accordingly.
Instead say… “Do you think this is a good idea?” or “Do you feel safe?” or “This surface might be slippery” etc.
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“She is shy”, “he is bossy”, “she is difficult”, “he is lazy” along with other negative labels
Negative labeling affects the way children see themselves as it becomes their inner vice. On the other hand, positive labels will build up children and they will increase their self-esteem and confidence. Also, remember to avoid any negative discussion about children in front of them, for instance with teachers, relatives and so on.
Instead… “she is assertive (not bossy)”, “he takes his time (not he is lazy or slow)”, “she is strong-willed (not stubborn)” and so on.
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“Give a kiss/hug”
Our parents used to say that often “give a hug to your uncle” or “give a kiss to your auntie” decades ago. However, we should know better. It is NOT okay to force children give a hug or a kiss no matter who that is. Our children should learn from a young age that everyone has boundaries and other should respect them. Not only parents should not force them to give a hug or a kiss, but they also need to interfere when others demand a hug and a kiss from their children.
Instead … we ask “can I give you a hug/kiss?“, “how about a hi-5 or just a waive instead?”
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“I don’t believe you”
Dr. Becky Kennedy explains that nicely as she analyses how this phrase can affect your child’s feeling of safety, confidence as well as their sense of identity and well-being.
Instead say… “I believe you!“, it’s simple as that! And then you can add what exactly you believe, if you don’t actually believe the whole story that your child tells you.
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“Good girl/boy/kid”
This is a very general praise that children hear soooo often! What does it even mean? You are a good girl because you drew a picture? You are a good boy because you ate your food?
Instead… be specific on what your child did well or explain the trait or skill that you admire on them. For example, you can say “thank you for putting your plate away” or ask “did it feel nice helping your brother?”
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“If you do this, you will make me happy” or “Do it for mum/dad”
Parents say this about various topics. They might say this phrase from a discussion about their children’s profession or trying to convince them eat one more bite! Next time remember … this is NOT about you!
Instead say… “If you do this, YOU will manage/ succeed/ become/etc… ”
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“Don’t cry”
I am sure more than one person has told this phrase to you before you say it to your child. But think about it… Do you want your children to suppress their emotions? You really don’t want them to express themselves in safe ways like crying?
Instead say… “It’s okay to feel upset/angry/sad/… Take a breath and when you are ready, tell me what happen or how can I help“.
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“I’m leaving without you!”
This is usually said, when it takes kids time to get ready and leave the house. This phrase can cause great stress and it can be triggering and scary for the children. Just imagine being a child and the grown up,who you trust more in this world, says that they will leave you somewhere alone…!!!
Instead say… “do you want to get ready and come with me? Or will you stay with mum/dad?”
Some parents say this to their kids as a threat in order to make kids listen to them. But does this phrase actually help, when your child, for instance, hitting someone? Not really… Think of the natural consequences that you kid will have, if they keep behaving in an inappropriate way.
Instead say… “next time you hit your cousin, we will leave” and be consistent with what you say.
Consciously or unconsciously we say the same words or phrases our parents used to say to us.
In this post you just read all the things you should never say to your child!
As a conscious parent, try to think twice before you say these things to your children next time.
Share below the words that you had never imagined could be damaging for your child.
You can do this!
